April 30, 2009
I am blessed with a fabulous network of friends and family whom I lean on for support.
A former co-worker and now a pastor of a local community church met me for a Starbucks coffee this afternoon. He had kind words of support and assured me that I hadn’t made a bad decision to take the newspaper buyout.
He raved about reiki and said if I felt like I was stressed to try a reiki practitioner. “It’s like opium,” he said of the healing treatments. I will have to do some research on reiki. It may be worth a few visits.
His other great comment was: “Look at it as if you gave yourself the gift of time. A time to reflect and enjoy.”
Later in the day, I sought the counsel of my father-in-law, who is an Anglican priest. He had some great advice and words of encouragement. He, too, said the decision to leave the newspaper will prove to be a wise one as time ticks on. (He’s an avid newspaper reader. So that comment is somewhat surprising.)
He suggested that I immerse myself in the D’Youville community, which I think is great advice. I will try to get involved with the student newspaper, at his suggestion. That would be fun.
Also great words of wisdom from my father-in-law: “Sure you’ve had a loss of identity and a paycheck,” he said, “but now it’s time to forget the past and set your sights on the future. Going back to school is going to be a lot of fun, and you will excel. Everybody else in the class is going to be more concerned about partying. You will do very well.”
So that’s the lesson of today: Savor these days of free time and to look to the future. Enough of the backward thinking, it can be as toxic as the atmosphere at a dysfunctional workplace.
I am ready for the future and the uncertainty is brings. That, according to my father-in-law, will put the excitement back in my life. “It will make you feel much younger,” he said, “being on a college campus.”
Let it be so. Maybe I'll even sign up for some reiki.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
The one-month mark
April 29, 2009
Tomorrow marks one month away from the work world. I’m disappointed that I’ve spent four golden weeks of semi-leisure being a Fretful Jones. I disregarded, or couldn’t allow myself, to take the advice of my children and party my butt off during this month. I enjoyed a few days to the hilt, but overall it’s been a lackadaisical month. Someday, I will realize what I was meant to learn from this episode in my life. For now, it pretty much remains a mystery.
I’m keeping busy getting ready for school, cruising the college’s Web site, and learning to use the online database, my student e-mail and the Blackboard learning platform. I’m trying to read some short stories to get in the groove for extensive reading. I can’t believe I’m yearning for the start of classes so I can put my mind to the test.
There are times when I feel pretty proud of myself for going back to school to learn new skills. It should be an exciting time. The Blessed Wife keeps telling me that.
It’s that fear of the unknown that keeps gnawing at my psyche. It’s so irrational, when you think about it.
My 22-year-old daughter is two-thirds of her way through her master’s in education program, working three part-time jobs, taking out loans to finish her coursework this summer, is starting to apply for jobs not knowing if and where she’ll get one, is less than four months away from getting married and possibly moving hundreds of miles away from her current home. I don’t hear her complaining about not being able to sleep or experiencing monkey mind. She does complain about not having enough money, though.
That makes me think back to my days at Syracuse where I was married with a small child, worked a part-time job answering telephones, went to school full-time and didn't know if I would have a job after graduation. We had no money. I slept pretty well in those days and thoroughly enjoyed myself. And you know what? Things worked out in the end. Just before graduation, I scored a job at the Hornell Evening Tribune. Prayers answered.
As we get old, we get set in our ways. We start to fear change. Heck, we’re changing TV services tomorrow from cable to satellite dish and that seems like a daunting prospect. I’ll have to learn new channels to find my science programs! Why is life so hard? (I’m joking, of course.)
Another subject I have to tackle at some point: Why we identify so much with what we do. The ego must be subdued. We are not our occupations. We are something more than that – spiritual beings having a human experience. We are what we give to the world.
Tomorrow marks one month away from the work world. I’m disappointed that I’ve spent four golden weeks of semi-leisure being a Fretful Jones. I disregarded, or couldn’t allow myself, to take the advice of my children and party my butt off during this month. I enjoyed a few days to the hilt, but overall it’s been a lackadaisical month. Someday, I will realize what I was meant to learn from this episode in my life. For now, it pretty much remains a mystery.
I’m keeping busy getting ready for school, cruising the college’s Web site, and learning to use the online database, my student e-mail and the Blackboard learning platform. I’m trying to read some short stories to get in the groove for extensive reading. I can’t believe I’m yearning for the start of classes so I can put my mind to the test.
There are times when I feel pretty proud of myself for going back to school to learn new skills. It should be an exciting time. The Blessed Wife keeps telling me that.
It’s that fear of the unknown that keeps gnawing at my psyche. It’s so irrational, when you think about it.
My 22-year-old daughter is two-thirds of her way through her master’s in education program, working three part-time jobs, taking out loans to finish her coursework this summer, is starting to apply for jobs not knowing if and where she’ll get one, is less than four months away from getting married and possibly moving hundreds of miles away from her current home. I don’t hear her complaining about not being able to sleep or experiencing monkey mind. She does complain about not having enough money, though.
That makes me think back to my days at Syracuse where I was married with a small child, worked a part-time job answering telephones, went to school full-time and didn't know if I would have a job after graduation. We had no money. I slept pretty well in those days and thoroughly enjoyed myself. And you know what? Things worked out in the end. Just before graduation, I scored a job at the Hornell Evening Tribune. Prayers answered.
As we get old, we get set in our ways. We start to fear change. Heck, we’re changing TV services tomorrow from cable to satellite dish and that seems like a daunting prospect. I’ll have to learn new channels to find my science programs! Why is life so hard? (I’m joking, of course.)
Another subject I have to tackle at some point: Why we identify so much with what we do. The ego must be subdued. We are not our occupations. We are something more than that – spiritual beings having a human experience. We are what we give to the world.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Repeat the mantra
April 28, 2009
It’s weird being alone with your thoughts. No co-workers bustling around. No radios blaring. No TV squawking. Just your brain and your spirit doing a back-and-forth volley. Replaying past experiences. Rethinking old decisions. Projecting future events. All in a mad jumble, one frantic thought pushing out the old one in a door-busting rush. All the while, watching a soft spring rain turn the grass a fluorescent green.
How to make it end? How to quiet the mind, to bring peace and order to seeming chaos? Repeat the mantra: study, success, master’s teach, excel.
Coming from the hectic pace of a newsroom, my brain must feel it needs to keep up its Olympic triathlon pace. No need, oh jumpy neurons. Make it a time for reflection – a time to slow down.
Learning, reflection and growth – that’s what this day is for.
It’s weird being alone with your thoughts. No co-workers bustling around. No radios blaring. No TV squawking. Just your brain and your spirit doing a back-and-forth volley. Replaying past experiences. Rethinking old decisions. Projecting future events. All in a mad jumble, one frantic thought pushing out the old one in a door-busting rush. All the while, watching a soft spring rain turn the grass a fluorescent green.
How to make it end? How to quiet the mind, to bring peace and order to seeming chaos? Repeat the mantra: study, success, master’s teach, excel.
Coming from the hectic pace of a newsroom, my brain must feel it needs to keep up its Olympic triathlon pace. No need, oh jumpy neurons. Make it a time for reflection – a time to slow down.
Learning, reflection and growth – that’s what this day is for.
Sharpen the focus
April 28, 2009
It’s a cool, damp spring morning following a scorcher of a day.
Today’s lesson is to sharpen my focus on re-educating myself.
Unless something jumps out of the weeds at me, I’ve suspended my active job search in favor of concentrating on school and developing a free-lance business and my own Web site. The Blessed Wife and eldest daughter laid down the law yesterday after I struggled with anxiety attacks again. Put the money worries on hold for year, narrow your focus to retraining yourself, take it a day at a time and let the rest work itself out over the next year.
So that’s it: Study, success, teach, excel. Have a focus like a laser beam. Whatever doesn’t further your goal of earning a master’s degree, teaching students and sharing your writing and editing with the world is not under consideration. Turn up the volume on the mental toughness.
“You’re just going to have to power through it,” advised eldest daughter. (That includes shutting down the monkey mind that keeps me awake at night.)
That means a stop to papering Western New York with CVs for jobs I don’t really want right now and to stop trivial pursuits that don’t get me closer to my goal. Outside of school work and building a free-lance business, everything else is just a distraction.
In that vein, I stopped for a job interview yesterday for a summer position at a venerable Western New York institution. While the young man who interviewed me seemed accommodating, a six-day-a-week job during the middle of summer didn’t appeal to me, at least this year with two weddings and classwork bound to take up quite a bit of time during July and August. So I immediately shut that proposal down with a quick, polite e-mail last night.
So that’s it, folks. A year of hard work ahead, but labor that is going to grow my stock, not Warren Buffett’s.
Again, I going to affirm my vision: I see myself next August in front of a college classroom sharing my writing and learning skills with eager students.
I’m going the Post-It note route as well, with little affirmations going up around the house, the car, etc. Here’s what they say:
Study, success, degree, teach, excel. Study, success, degree, teach, excel. Study, success, degree, teach, excel.
It’s a cool, damp spring morning following a scorcher of a day.
Today’s lesson is to sharpen my focus on re-educating myself.
Unless something jumps out of the weeds at me, I’ve suspended my active job search in favor of concentrating on school and developing a free-lance business and my own Web site. The Blessed Wife and eldest daughter laid down the law yesterday after I struggled with anxiety attacks again. Put the money worries on hold for year, narrow your focus to retraining yourself, take it a day at a time and let the rest work itself out over the next year.
So that’s it: Study, success, teach, excel. Have a focus like a laser beam. Whatever doesn’t further your goal of earning a master’s degree, teaching students and sharing your writing and editing with the world is not under consideration. Turn up the volume on the mental toughness.
“You’re just going to have to power through it,” advised eldest daughter. (That includes shutting down the monkey mind that keeps me awake at night.)
That means a stop to papering Western New York with CVs for jobs I don’t really want right now and to stop trivial pursuits that don’t get me closer to my goal. Outside of school work and building a free-lance business, everything else is just a distraction.
In that vein, I stopped for a job interview yesterday for a summer position at a venerable Western New York institution. While the young man who interviewed me seemed accommodating, a six-day-a-week job during the middle of summer didn’t appeal to me, at least this year with two weddings and classwork bound to take up quite a bit of time during July and August. So I immediately shut that proposal down with a quick, polite e-mail last night.
So that’s it, folks. A year of hard work ahead, but labor that is going to grow my stock, not Warren Buffett’s.
Again, I going to affirm my vision: I see myself next August in front of a college classroom sharing my writing and learning skills with eager students.
I’m going the Post-It note route as well, with little affirmations going up around the house, the car, etc. Here’s what they say:
Study, success, degree, teach, excel. Study, success, degree, teach, excel. Study, success, degree, teach, excel.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Out of dormancy
April 26, 2009
Here I am, on the porch of our cottage “cheese” typing away as all the weekend warriors head back to Buffalo, Pittsburgh or Cleveland after their big days on the lake shore. I feel like I’m getting to be part of the Chautauqua culture. I told our neighbors that the beauty and relaxed feeling of being here for days on end is like the high of “Chautauqua crack.”
Perhaps the decision to take the buyout from The News will be like the “butterfly effect” for the Stanleys. (You know the butterfly effect. A butterfly flaps its wings in the Amazon and sets off a thunderstorm in Kansas.) The titanic mental debate that went into the buyout decision could end up as the catalyst for change – change that Judy (blessed wife) and I have discussed for a very long time, but were always reluctant to actually make happen. We could end up selling both houses and consolidating into one home, either in the Chautauqua region or out of state, perhaps North Carolina. (Hello, Duke University, you’re missing out on a brilliant professor in Dr. Stanley.) What is life all about if you can't take some chances and make life a little more exhilarating?
I talked with all the children today, and everyone seems to be in good spirits. I like what my eldest daughter told me:
“You’re awakening something that has been dormant in you for a long time.”
That’s how she explained away the stress and anxiety I’ve been feeling. I want to say that I’m becoming somewhat more comfortable in my post-newspaper skin. We had an excellent session around the bonfire last night with our neighbors, just enjoying the warm spring evening and talking about all the change coming this year.
We’ve been noticing all these instances of synchronicity over the past few weeks, seeing people we haven’t seen in years. Last night, Judy (blessed wife) and I were regaling people around the bonfire with tales of how we met at “the log” when we were teenagers. It was a rather bucolic spot in suburban Buffalo where two trees had fallen to make some comfortable sitting areas. It was surrounded by woods, and Cazenovia Creek rippled along not far from the log. Our teenage clique used to make bonfires there, sit on the logs and drink Boone’s Farm wine and Koehler beer. That’s how Judy and I came to meet for the start of a wonderful life together. I was about to fall backward off the log and Judy was sitting next to me at the time. As I fell, I think I whacked her with one of my arms. That got her attention, and the rest is history. I did fall off the log, onto my back, but bounced back up red-faced and happy.
Anyway, as we took a walk this morning, we came upon two old friends from “the log,” one of whom we hadn’t seen in 30 years. It’s weird how life keeps coming around in circles. Why are we talking about the log, and then meeting someone from there the next day that we hadn’t seen in decades? What does it mean? What lesson should I draw from the encounter?
All I know is that my brain neurons are firing in sequences not encountered in years. It’s exciting not to know what lies ahead one year from now. I’ve been trying to envision myself in May 2010, but then again the daily journey is getting pretty interesting and worth paying attention to.
In two weeks, I’ll be immersed in classes, just like I was 34 years ago at Syracuse University.
Will I be a good student?
I think so. (And the weekend will still begin on Tuesdays!)
Here I am, on the porch of our cottage “cheese” typing away as all the weekend warriors head back to Buffalo, Pittsburgh or Cleveland after their big days on the lake shore. I feel like I’m getting to be part of the Chautauqua culture. I told our neighbors that the beauty and relaxed feeling of being here for days on end is like the high of “Chautauqua crack.”
Perhaps the decision to take the buyout from The News will be like the “butterfly effect” for the Stanleys. (You know the butterfly effect. A butterfly flaps its wings in the Amazon and sets off a thunderstorm in Kansas.) The titanic mental debate that went into the buyout decision could end up as the catalyst for change – change that Judy (blessed wife) and I have discussed for a very long time, but were always reluctant to actually make happen. We could end up selling both houses and consolidating into one home, either in the Chautauqua region or out of state, perhaps North Carolina. (Hello, Duke University, you’re missing out on a brilliant professor in Dr. Stanley.) What is life all about if you can't take some chances and make life a little more exhilarating?
I talked with all the children today, and everyone seems to be in good spirits. I like what my eldest daughter told me:
“You’re awakening something that has been dormant in you for a long time.”
That’s how she explained away the stress and anxiety I’ve been feeling. I want to say that I’m becoming somewhat more comfortable in my post-newspaper skin. We had an excellent session around the bonfire last night with our neighbors, just enjoying the warm spring evening and talking about all the change coming this year.
We’ve been noticing all these instances of synchronicity over the past few weeks, seeing people we haven’t seen in years. Last night, Judy (blessed wife) and I were regaling people around the bonfire with tales of how we met at “the log” when we were teenagers. It was a rather bucolic spot in suburban Buffalo where two trees had fallen to make some comfortable sitting areas. It was surrounded by woods, and Cazenovia Creek rippled along not far from the log. Our teenage clique used to make bonfires there, sit on the logs and drink Boone’s Farm wine and Koehler beer. That’s how Judy and I came to meet for the start of a wonderful life together. I was about to fall backward off the log and Judy was sitting next to me at the time. As I fell, I think I whacked her with one of my arms. That got her attention, and the rest is history. I did fall off the log, onto my back, but bounced back up red-faced and happy.
Anyway, as we took a walk this morning, we came upon two old friends from “the log,” one of whom we hadn’t seen in 30 years. It’s weird how life keeps coming around in circles. Why are we talking about the log, and then meeting someone from there the next day that we hadn’t seen in decades? What does it mean? What lesson should I draw from the encounter?
All I know is that my brain neurons are firing in sequences not encountered in years. It’s exciting not to know what lies ahead one year from now. I’ve been trying to envision myself in May 2010, but then again the daily journey is getting pretty interesting and worth paying attention to.
In two weeks, I’ll be immersed in classes, just like I was 34 years ago at Syracuse University.
Will I be a good student?
I think so. (And the weekend will still begin on Tuesdays!)
Friday, April 24, 2009
All that it ever was
April 24, 2009
What a beautiful day in Chautauqua. Many days in Chautauqua seem to be excellent.
The days are so nice that’s it’s difficult not to have an upbeat attitude. On the ride down here from the Big B, I was listening to Coast to Coast AM and the show had a guest on reiterating that, even in your 50s, if you wake up, it’s a great day. Let the air be filled with optimism!
When I arrived here, a neighbor greeted me and said there is nothing to worry about. Judy and I can make ends meet no matter what, if we put our minds to it. So just enjoy the day! What a day it’s been. The first day of true summer. Even at 8 p.m., it’s 80 degrees and the windows are wide open.
Judy (the blessed wife) told me yesterday that the job I had was a good-paying job, but it wasn’t a good job. I was like an automaton stuck on the word widget assembly line. I was all I was ever going to be at The News – a pagination jockey. Nothing more, nothing less. Ten more years of that and then hang up the keyboard. No thanks, dudettes. I’d like to try something different for a change. Forget about that job. Let it reside in the past as a lengthy experience that helped me successfully raise a family, but now it’s done. It’s history. You can’t go back. Toastarama.
There’s a new horizon ahead. Focus on that and be happy. What an opportunity you have to make a difference in this world now that you are free of the bonds of corporate slavery.
With a positive attitude, no matter the outcome, it will be good.
Again, my friendly neighbor advised me that he’s seen many people leave their jobs, and it takes a year before they start to get calm down mentally, even in retirement, because of the displacement factor. That’s great, knowing that I’m not alone in this bad-ass tape loop that berates me for my bold decision. It’s OK. It really is. My children, wife and friends still love me. I am the same person, only more interesting.
On a broader scale, when will America get its act together? How long will this crushing recession continue? The suit boys that Harvard, Yale and Princeton churned out and put in charge of corporate America sure have made a mess of things. “Me, me, me, me, me.”
I think it’s time to turn most of the operations over to women. Men seem to be sorely out of touch and deserving of castration. Let the women lead, I say.
All is well on this gorgeous Chautauqua day, and nothing can ever change that. I am headed to a bright future. We’ll have to see what it is – teacher, househusband, free-lance writer.
On to what awaits!
What a beautiful day in Chautauqua. Many days in Chautauqua seem to be excellent.
The days are so nice that’s it’s difficult not to have an upbeat attitude. On the ride down here from the Big B, I was listening to Coast to Coast AM and the show had a guest on reiterating that, even in your 50s, if you wake up, it’s a great day. Let the air be filled with optimism!
When I arrived here, a neighbor greeted me and said there is nothing to worry about. Judy and I can make ends meet no matter what, if we put our minds to it. So just enjoy the day! What a day it’s been. The first day of true summer. Even at 8 p.m., it’s 80 degrees and the windows are wide open.
Judy (the blessed wife) told me yesterday that the job I had was a good-paying job, but it wasn’t a good job. I was like an automaton stuck on the word widget assembly line. I was all I was ever going to be at The News – a pagination jockey. Nothing more, nothing less. Ten more years of that and then hang up the keyboard. No thanks, dudettes. I’d like to try something different for a change. Forget about that job. Let it reside in the past as a lengthy experience that helped me successfully raise a family, but now it’s done. It’s history. You can’t go back. Toastarama.
There’s a new horizon ahead. Focus on that and be happy. What an opportunity you have to make a difference in this world now that you are free of the bonds of corporate slavery.
With a positive attitude, no matter the outcome, it will be good.
Again, my friendly neighbor advised me that he’s seen many people leave their jobs, and it takes a year before they start to get calm down mentally, even in retirement, because of the displacement factor. That’s great, knowing that I’m not alone in this bad-ass tape loop that berates me for my bold decision. It’s OK. It really is. My children, wife and friends still love me. I am the same person, only more interesting.
On a broader scale, when will America get its act together? How long will this crushing recession continue? The suit boys that Harvard, Yale and Princeton churned out and put in charge of corporate America sure have made a mess of things. “Me, me, me, me, me.”
I think it’s time to turn most of the operations over to women. Men seem to be sorely out of touch and deserving of castration. Let the women lead, I say.
All is well on this gorgeous Chautauqua day, and nothing can ever change that. I am headed to a bright future. We’ll have to see what it is – teacher, househusband, free-lance writer.
On to what awaits!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
The long and winding road
April 23, 2009
And so this midlife journey of inner exploration is underway for real.
Will we find that the hero has sabotaged his own life and turned it to ruin? Or will the saga have a fairy tale-like ending where the hero lives happily ever after? That, my friends, we won’t learn for a while.
Here is what we know after three weeks: My horizons are definitely broadening, as I’m talking to new people, making new acquaintances and exploring new things – like blogging. I’m listening to the tales of economic woe with open and sympathetic ears. I’m thinking that maybe we do have too much “stuff’ and this is our opportunity to live a leaner, meaner life.
Do we really need two homes, a boat, a jet ski, numerous cars and dinner out three times a week? Maybe life wasn’t meant to be lived with all these material burdens. Without them, I would be pretty much worry free right now. Is that the lesson I'm supposed to learn?
Every American family should be able to live off the proceeds of one income. That’s my new economic principle. It’s really an old principle, too. My parents raised four children basically from the wages earned by my father. I didn’t really think much of it as a kid, but I think my father was laid off often, and I know he traveled to places like Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, Massena and Oswego to work on jobs, commuting home on weekends. That could not have been easy.
Speaking of easy, I’ve come to the conclusion that my first 52 years were free of almost all hassles. Life was too easy. The higher powers must have wanted me to experience a little adversity on the journey, so they instructed me to take this buyout and take a more difficult, but rewarding path.
“Get off easy street and see what life is like when you’re struggling to get a job; see how it feels when no one responds to your letters and resumes. This is the other side of life,” my mind says.
Even with the mental travails of the past few weeks, my problems are nothing compared to many people. That’s an important fact to remember. I can get out of this jam by successfully completing a year of higher education like many, many hard-working young people do, or by just getting rid of some of the “stuff” we’ve come to acquire.
The important thing in life is to maintain my close-knit family, keep us safe and happy, and to treasure the friendships we’ve made. As Bill Clinton would say, “It’s the people, stupid.”
Today’s lesson boils down to this: It took leaving a safe, secure job for me to start really experiencing life. I hadn't realized how smug I was. I do feel aware and engaged doing different things each day instead of being bored to tears sitting in the same office every day for 24 years. (Out of the comfort zone.)
As for the roulette wheel: Round and round she goes, and where she stops, nobody knows.
And so this midlife journey of inner exploration is underway for real.
Will we find that the hero has sabotaged his own life and turned it to ruin? Or will the saga have a fairy tale-like ending where the hero lives happily ever after? That, my friends, we won’t learn for a while.
Here is what we know after three weeks: My horizons are definitely broadening, as I’m talking to new people, making new acquaintances and exploring new things – like blogging. I’m listening to the tales of economic woe with open and sympathetic ears. I’m thinking that maybe we do have too much “stuff’ and this is our opportunity to live a leaner, meaner life.
Do we really need two homes, a boat, a jet ski, numerous cars and dinner out three times a week? Maybe life wasn’t meant to be lived with all these material burdens. Without them, I would be pretty much worry free right now. Is that the lesson I'm supposed to learn?
Every American family should be able to live off the proceeds of one income. That’s my new economic principle. It’s really an old principle, too. My parents raised four children basically from the wages earned by my father. I didn’t really think much of it as a kid, but I think my father was laid off often, and I know he traveled to places like Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, Massena and Oswego to work on jobs, commuting home on weekends. That could not have been easy.
Speaking of easy, I’ve come to the conclusion that my first 52 years were free of almost all hassles. Life was too easy. The higher powers must have wanted me to experience a little adversity on the journey, so they instructed me to take this buyout and take a more difficult, but rewarding path.
“Get off easy street and see what life is like when you’re struggling to get a job; see how it feels when no one responds to your letters and resumes. This is the other side of life,” my mind says.
Even with the mental travails of the past few weeks, my problems are nothing compared to many people. That’s an important fact to remember. I can get out of this jam by successfully completing a year of higher education like many, many hard-working young people do, or by just getting rid of some of the “stuff” we’ve come to acquire.
The important thing in life is to maintain my close-knit family, keep us safe and happy, and to treasure the friendships we’ve made. As Bill Clinton would say, “It’s the people, stupid.”
Today’s lesson boils down to this: It took leaving a safe, secure job for me to start really experiencing life. I hadn't realized how smug I was. I do feel aware and engaged doing different things each day instead of being bored to tears sitting in the same office every day for 24 years. (Out of the comfort zone.)
As for the roulette wheel: Round and round she goes, and where she stops, nobody knows.
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